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Reflections on mental illness and life

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I don't have extensive relationship experiences, I'm the type prone to holding onto something that isn't working for far too long.  What I am working on having better mental health, including how I approach relationships.  When I'm clinging I know it isn't working, but I feel afraid or am in denial of how his feeling have changed.  It usually feels like I'm trying to impress him, rather than enjoying his company while maintaining who I am.  Listen to what your inner most self is feeling, it might be a mix of fear and love, but it all depends on if the love is stronger than the fear.  What I mean is if it is love you will overcome any fear to be with this person (fear of what your family and friend thinks, fear of being broke, or fear of being in a relationship) and if it is fear you will ignore how you really feel to avoid being alone (fear that you will be alone forever, fear of what will happen if you leave, fear of abandonment or rejection).  It is a very personal experience, use your personal strength, for me it is feeling, but maybe for you it is experiences or intuition.  My experiences with relationships are holding onto a 10 year friendship as a crutch with someone who was abusive (I might have been too, who knows), two brief dating experiences, and a passionate relationship where he wasn't interested after the first 6 months.  I don't mean to scare you, all I am saying is you just know when it is wrong as much as you know when it is right, even if you have to overcome a little fear or denial either way.    

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Why mister may not be a sociopath:
-appartently men say these things at times, after all women love bad boys. 
-the "diagnosis" was given in adolescence, which is too early.
-he never actually did anything harmful to me and helped me multiple times.  If anything I hurt him.  
-even psychologists make mistakes, so my "diagnosis" as an upset ex-girlfriend just might be wrong. 
-lastly I had no business sharing such personal things online and I regret it.  I don't really make friends easily, so I've learned one must use compassion in speaking about characters, of course there are times when people should have behaved better....it isn't the case with mister....I misunderstood or didn't consider his whole character .  All that matters is he was there and was kind to me, genuinely, that counts for something. 

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Dying to work.
Boss sorry I'm late, I was bleeding on the way in, internally. I know that big project is due tomorrow, but I don't know how much help I'll be. We may have a few moments before I perish, do you need anything? Can I make coffee? Boss, "you don't look like you're dying, but you made it here, so you must not be that dying. Go to a doctor, I need a note for why you were late." .... Doctor, "You're very sick, I'm not sure how you made it here dying, but you did. I don't want this to get worse, take a few days off work, stay with your parents if you have to, it isn't safe towork, the stress could kill you." "Okay, but I'm going to work anyway, may I have a note?" Doctor, "but you're dying...fine" The note says,"patient is bleeding internally, she may be late, unable to complete tasks, mainly she should just lie down, but it is illegal not to accommodate her." Boss, "well, i guess everyone else lies down and comes in late, that is fine, get to work and answer any questions people have, unless you feel to dead to answer I guess it is better than no one." Patient, "well thanks boss, this is great, now I don't need social security for dying people. This is the best job ever." Boss mumbles something to himself. Patient to other employee, "this discrimination is terrible, I have no responsibilities." Other employee, "um, yes, I, uh wish I had more responsibilities too, but lying down at the job is pretty nice, too bad this NASA gig ends soon." Patient, "oh, this is temporary, I didn't think of that, since I'm dyingI lost too much...*dies*" boss, "oh dammit, I hate this dying to work accommodation, it makes work look unsafe, why would anyone come in bleeding internally. look at this mess she made." Employee, "Well it is a pretty easy job, I'm not even sick. the constant loss is hard though." Boss, "yes, this will be the 3rd funeral we had to have this month." Employee, "It never gets easier either." Boss, "Nope, why doesn't the anyone just fund hospitals better so people don't have to come to work dying and people don't have to deal with constant loss. You aren't sick, so why did you take a job designed to help dying people?" Employee, "I'm lazy sir and doctors won't give me a note. I can come in dying tomorrow." Boss, "What?! no, just keep up the good work, we'll give you a raise for honesty." Employee, "I love this job, too bad it is temporary and the smell is terrible. I feel like I'm working in a morgue." Boss, "yes, me too, I'm wondering if working with dying people is safe. Are you interested in a new job?" best employee, "Maybe" Boss, "What do you mean maybe, oh whatever, here take this manual, I'm giving you my job, so I can run for congress. Dying people have too much power, I can't take this anymore." Employee to self, wow I've never had a promotion, I guess they want anyone with a pulse, which is, oh I'm the only alive person at this whole place, how did I end up in a morgue? I'd better figure this out fast or hire some people who can run a morgue. *end*
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Are you introvert, extrovert or somewhere in the middle? How does this affect your day-to-day life? Is there any time you wish you could be more reserved or more outgoing?
I test nearly every time far on the introvert scale. I was in a small class of introverted people growing up and they seemed like extroverts to me. I'm reserved and quiet, but if something is important to me I can go on and on. Around other introverted people I feel energized, so sometimes I question it for short periods until I get around definite extroverts again. I get drained very easily, so I often zone out listening or have selective hearing, not to say the person is boring or anything, I get that way reading a great poem or when hearing an answer to an important question. I prefer social situations where I can observe from a distance or with people I feel a strong connection with. I also feel nervous and very uncomfortable around people, plus I suffer from a mental illness (not related to introversion, genetic) so interacting with others anywhere except social media feels uncomfortable and fills me with terror. I sometimes wait weeks to answer comments, because I used to get so nervous I couldn't think of the right words and I just recently broke out of that habit. I wouldn't say I'm shy though, I share far too much too easily online to be shy. I've been told to stop being introverted and told I should be more popular, it didn't work though, I developed my secondary preference, but the initial preference starts too young to be changed, so why fight it especially when it doesn't need to be changed.
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This is the first Valentines day I am truly single.  No lingering attachment to something just ended.  No sort of non-commital relationship to sort of celebrate kind of not being single in.  This Valentines day started with clearing a small pan of orange peels to make pancakes.  The mixture is a little thick and the pan a little small.  I use something like a spatula to flip it, but it isn't quite right.  Oh well, food is food, even imperfect pancakes are still yummy.  I peel a couple oranges and sit down.  Like every morning I flicked the switch on the water boiler and made a little tea in a bodium press.  The whole kitchen table is piled with stuff, some that always lingers there, but mostly old knick knacks and unused art supplies brought up to store in the garage before the house sale.  I want to sell the house and go off grid, but research showed me this will be more complicated than I imagined.  It might be just as easy to wait a few years and use solar in the city.  A company has innovated glass solar, so it might be as simple as buying new windows in a place I can afford.  I'll miss this house, but not the loan payment for it.  I always laugh at the "owner" box, the bank owns my house, I rent it from them.  Anyway, I step over junk and boxes, then curl up on the couch.  I pick up the phone and see the last article I was reading about the Koch brothers.  I spend ten or twenty minutes writing a hateful response and how to defeat them, to no avail, as long as I am on grid any words against them could come back to haunt me should they get the power they are paying for.  It may soon go from bad to worse, I was born asleep in Democracy and awoke at the beginning of a police state oligrachy.  I'm so confused already and I have to clean up this mess I got into.  I can hardly fight back against this force in debt and enslaved.  Though I have been working so long I rather like it in some mixed up way.  My job is hardly work, I feel more stressed by daily life and a messed up house than work.  Many of my coworkers have mental illnesses and the supervisors can't really discriminate legally anyway.  Someone stole my wallet last week, everything in it was cancelled immediately so I didn't even bother reporting it, though I am sure of who it was.  She was too afraid to go to a meeting to help herself, that is punishment enough.  I don't think jail or fines help the situation, unless the alternative is revenge.  I think prison and jail is just institutionalized revenge, I don't see how being forcefully taken from home, put in with worse criminals, and told you can't leave is helpful.  So now I am here.  The greatest love I have now is from friends who read my rants here and quotes else where.  It is nice to connect with people somewhere, I hope all of you have a good Valentines day.  I only mention Mr. once, right now, we want different lives, so it ended.  At best it was a short good friendship at worst an infatuation that distracted us from higher goals.  I want to text him, I really do, but it seems to walk away is best right now.  We were never really together, but it hurt just the same.  I'm waiting now to recover, because my mental problems become theirs.  I am working on finding a new place to live with the profit I make selling this one.  My focus is finishing recovery and eventually going off grid.  If I am not here, the reason is I like writing at home when I have a little time.  I'm on Tumblr and gutenberg, because I need to read as much as I write.  Tomorrow or later today I will catch up on your entries.  I regret just writing without studying it more, but oh well I have time to learn now. 

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What was the last book you read? How did you hear about it? Did you enjoy it enough to recommend it to others?
I read two at once for a class Stress management, a textbook by Seaward and The Values Factor by Demartini. I recommend both for mental or physical health. Seaward reads like a science/psychology textbook and Demartini reads like Toni Robbins speaks. The best chapter of The Values Factor was the one on relationships. I didn't like Demartini's writing style, because I'm negative and the evidence seemed anecdotal. He does have some excellent points when it comes to values, so it is worth reading. Stress management is a great book to read to improve your health or as a proactive approach to health. I wish I read both at 18 instead of 32.
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Have you ever binge-watched a TV series? If so, what was it? Why did you like it so much?
The twilight zone and might mouse. The twilight zone was very intriguing and Might Mouse, because I get really scared of horror movies and it was a way to cope.
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Why did I even open that wound back up? Apparently somewhere I called mister abusive. I wouldn't take this any more serious than fiction, not because of right or wrong, but if these guys suffer it will just make my life worse. It happened so long ago the evidence is gone. I don't even like writing anymore, people just come back and use it against me.
Current Mood:
disappointed disappointed
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If my writing means anything to you, please donate. I keep seeing similar writing from fakers all the time. I'm in the painful process of SSDI claim and foreclosure. I feel utterly useless to society in every way, I'm a lousy employee, burden on the family, and apparently the girl no one loves back. The only thing anyone enjoys from me is this blog, but no one wants to pay for it. I feel like I've hit a dead end and I don't know where else to turn, so thanks for reading. I'd put up ads, but there are too few people who read. I guess nothing in my life is worth all that much. Thank you for the first donation, including 42 satoshi to let me know it was clearly another lj user. I don't really expect any donations, but it doesn't hurt to ask right? I'm having a life changing financial crisis due to the disorder or I wouldn't even bother to ask.

Bitcoin: 15R3ZrEjwtg64CcexNpCKfSMyZJfiaTfmL
Reddcoin: Rc8CmfwFbPENpA5c2sHxNp6HGgM3LVggPE
Anoncoin: Ae1T4L7r9N8t4WBym3cz3g1bangckSgA1H
Dogecoin: DJ6uSWJcEm1nUmN2qhGhVAiUvQVUBWCCf8
Paypal: send to bluevellocent@hotmail.com

Additionally, I opened up all private entries to be friend's only. I've been writing long before getting diagnosed, even mid episode. Think of how rare this opportunity is: how many genuinely ill people wrote blogs before getting ill? The rarity of this disorder is less than 1% of the population, many are illiterate or not interested in writing, women who don't have writing degrees typically don't start written blogs, my story is unique and mostly true with heavy personal bias factored in. Plus almost no one with schizoaffective disorder works. I know the writing itself is a grammatical nightmare, sure to give anyone a headache, but it is real and personal. It is so personal, so triggering, and so life threatening, I've deleted it many times. I have seen my past views, so I must be some kind of internet legend by now, I'm glad someone enjoys my sloppy ranting. There really isn't anything extraordinary about me besides being born into the right family and blogging at the right time. If you enjoy this, visit bluevellocent.deadjournal.com, this was the 2nd blog I wrote, the first one was deleted with my studentcenter profile. Thank you for reading!
Current Mood:
distressed distressed
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