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Reflections on mental illness and life

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Network security, what an oxymoron.  what is the original or real?Collapse )

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It feels like I am screaming for help and only my good friends are listening.  I guess that is good enough....or more than good enough, thanks.

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I do not want to play or make you play guessing games. I do not want to waste time or energy of people who do not care to verify the identity of the writer.  You want to know ask, bluevellocent is a clue specifically any account before this journal or before I said it is a clue.  Do not worry about what I say of others, any likeness to a person living or dead is purely coincidental and should not be used against them.  What I say of myself may provide more proof and verifies who writes it more, but pay no attention to what I say of others (I don`t want a lawsuit or action taken against them, as it surely will boomarang back to me and I don`t want to cause suffering for something.without verifiable proof, what I say here, stays here).  Have a nice week!

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My thoughts on religion:  I've been confronted by several religious people this week, what I can say about religion is how you approach me matters on whether I will listen to you.  One young man was on a box of some kind, who had clearly never read or thought about the bible by what he was saying.  He was saying how the bible says gay marriag is a sin, so I said, "are you reading it or are you reading into it?"  Our high school class read it together, so to have some kid tell me how he justifies something that the pope and the bible suggest  is fine, because people are uncomfortable with the idea is maddening.   The bible is told symbolically, so you can really read into it, but many important points, such as eating shellfish are told pretty clearly.  Besides that a few people said the bible was for social control after reading it, which was more than I got from it.  My favorite religious idea compassion and desire and how these two inter relate.  A long time ago an Indian journalist was asking me about America. He was explaining what desire is and how Bush desired power.  He asked what I desired and at the time I didn't know, but I thought about it often.  Some time had passed, years at least, before I started seeing it.  Socrates, or at least a quote on the internet attributed to Socrates talks about desire too, basically no matter what you desire you will suffer, so you should be careful what you desire and not to let it control you.  A second idea is non-attachment to this desire, when you are attached to something it controls you.  The solution they offer is meditation, meditation helps you to see the desire and let go of it.  This is where Buddhism and Christianity met, selfish desire is often similar to sin, they have commandments of what not to suffer for if you can help it, the difference is you are not reporting to God about the afterlife, you are doing so for reduction of earthly pain.  Whether or not God exists, whether you think of God as a cosmic force or non-existant, avoiding pain can be a pretty good motivator.  Post enlightened thinkers go a step further, in cbt rather than doing something to avoid pain, you appeal to virtue or values.  When you do something you know is right without worrying about eternal damnation or suffering you know it must be the right thing to do.  The trouble lies with what you find pleasurable, when something is pleasurable to us inevitably it is causing suffering of another.  When someone else suffers the consequence is you suffer in the long run for causing suffering.  This is my understanding of Karma, but keep in mind I am a westerner and not a practitioner of any religion, I'm just curious.  So from the understanding that you suffer, you understand that others suffer too, so this brings about the idea of compassion, or understanding that if you suffer others suffer, so the goal is then to reduce suffering or pain.  To have compassion for others you must first understand what your real needs are and how to break through the illusion of what you want.  To understand how to help others you must help yourself, how does this apply to me and this blog, I am sensitive to the suffering of others but cause suffering by taking care of others, but not myself.  Anyway, no matter what you do you will suffer or cause suffering, this is where ethics comes in.  We need to consider the principle behind suffering and aim to reduce it, Sarte says ethics is freedom for others.  Kant believes in the catagorical imperitive, that you must act in a way everyone in should act.  I add to this you must act in a way that all people in your situation should act, if you were sick and asked for help, it doesn't mean all people need to ask for help, only people who are sick and need help.  So what is an ethical action?  avoiding sin gives us a good idea, avoiding suffering for yourself and others, and what everyone in your situation ought to do to consider the suffering or freedom of others.  This is where values come in for me, specifically how Demartini defined them.  Everyone has slightly different, but similar vaues. A man may value hard work while a woman may value family, but working hard supports a family.  I value reading and writing, okay quotes and ranting, but I keep doing them not to avoid pain or appease God, because I value them.  I make time for them, because they are important.   When you seek highest values you have a positive reason to do something, instead of cleaning your house to avoid what your in laws will say, you clean your house because you like having a clean house.  You clean it for your inlaws to appreciate their values, even if you like messy environments.  One must then recognize the values and desires  of others, but also consider needs and compassion.  Maybe someone is unaware of suffering or desire, maybe they don't know what values are and have no idea how to find them, this is where compassion comes in.  Our job is to teach sinners, people chasing desire, causing suffering or valueless to see their value, to be virtuous, to quiet selfish desire, and stop causing themselves suffering.  I'm only at the stage of being able to write this, I've ended some caused suffering.  The direction I am heading in is towardso, m understanding taoism, which has to be the thickest religion I can think of.  It speaks of many things Buddhism does, but adds something and isn't desire based.  I haven't sat and thought about it, but if it interests you Alan Watts seems to understand it well and puts it simply.  What I understood is it is about balance, rather than being good, one must understand your dark side.  For every good you put into the world is a dark side to it, the good of business is efficiency allowing us a degree of freedom, the bad is ruining our environment for it.  The good of my blog is having a voice the bad is people hanging on my every word or anyone's word and doing something I didn't realize was wrong to follow me.  The bad is promising I will write, but not feeling up to it or getting symptomatic.  In the time I took to write this other parts of my life are sufferingf, still better than wasted time playing video games.  I'm going way off track, my point is we now have time to carefully examine religions and see paralells instead of differences.  The story might be different, but love is a universal teaching and ethics is universal.  If you follow a religion with the understanding that it is your favorite and another follows a different one which is thier favorite, it is okay, both will be ethical people, the only problem is using religion or philosophy to justify an unethical action.  At least that is my opinion.  I probably have all kinds of grammar errors and misunderstandings, this is a draft left as such to get the information out there. 

My week:

I didn't get much done, except cleaning up a little in the living room. I still feel lethargic and have trouble getting motivated.  I don't know if it is technology addiction, aversion to real work or depression.  I do know it feels like being dragged by mom to the dentist, though going to the dentist sounds easier.  It brings me to face the mound of stuff in my life, now filling my garage.  The house still has too much stuff and still looks like a hoarders house, despite shoving most into the garage.  I walked all the way to a garage sale to network with someone who has gone further in the art world and has a paying blog gig.  I ended up buying stuff I can't afford with money I need, it is that bad.  It was just three pieces of water color paper, which I will use for the next phase of my project before someone jacks my idea.  I didn't network really, though the seller gave me some reassurance for my project.  The trouble is I'm very independent, because I don't trust most employers.  Getting into the art world is harder than getting into the film world or having a successful blog, so really I'm not trying anymore.  It was nice to feel accepted when I was younger, but as the illness progresses I've gone from prodigy to giving up.  I had promise a long time ago, maybe networking with the people who thought I have promise is the goal.  Though networking or people is not the problem, the problem is I love social media and writing, the problem is I don't spend my free time painting I spend it blogging.  It would be bad faith to continue playing artist, when I'm not making art.  Why waste time right?  Life is too short to spend doing something you have to force yourself to do, unless you are suffering for needs.  I might not like cleaning, but it is rather necessary.  Self actualization needs are a bit trickier, mainly since very few people before now looked to fulfill these needs.  If you dreamed of being a writer, but would starve to death if you spent the time necessary to be a writer, you'd probably tend the farm instead.  But to be a writer, albeit a social network draft writer, and to be trained to be an artist is a bad situation.  I have a solution, but I'm hoarding the idea for now.  It might not be right, but that is desire and fear for you.  I never said I was immune, I might understand what is ethical, but scaling the wall, getting over fears, and living an ethical life takes work.  I'm reading more on cognitive behavioral therapy.  I'm not sure if it is mind control  or real therapy for people who are suffering, it appears to be helpful, but then after watching and trusting (shudders) tv I'm not so sure.  The two comparisons are illogical, not trusting one source over the actions of another, this is the exact thing cbt trains you to question.  Mom insists I don't need this as an expert in the field, but psychologists get convinced of hunches and fear the worst if they don't trust them.  Fear causes so much unnecessary suffering, out of everything in my life it all comes back to fear and lack of energy, these two things cause me to suffer and others to suffer, but breaking free is the hard part.  Once you learn to respond to everything with fear or inaction, it is tricky to change direction.  That is the frustrating thing about where I am now, I can see the problem, I can see the solutions, but changing is hard.  When people speak of changing the world, they mean they want the world to believe what they believe, they don't want to change the errors in their beliefs.  Conquering yourself is true power, but after you fail a couple times, you'd rather tell everyone else to change.  It must be the art teachers, they have too high of standards and aren't accomodating me.  It must be the employment specialist, he didn't listen.  It must be family, they made me like this.  It must be friends, they keep asking me to leave the house when I don't feel like it.  It must be media, oh wait, actually the media does lie, that I will not okay.  What I would have done differently were I to travel to back then is accept I need help, go on disability, recover, think about what I do daily without pay, and then pick a major.  Considering this is a progressive stress induced illness, maybe I did the right thing.  If I went further back, I'd finish my degree in film and video and go out there.  I would have dumped Jason, who was ready to leave anyway.  I would have saved money  and stress, plus I would have a degree earlier and could have started my career.  Dropping out early and holding onto someone who wanted to leave were the first mistakes, giving up good stress (college and having a early degree) trading it for bad stress (a failing relationship nd a job not fit to my interests, values or personality) that was the error.  Then of course trading good stress for more bad stress leads to illness.  A considerabe amount of suffering could have been prevented by not having fear (fear of failing at film making or fear of losing a relationship), but I chose fear over passion and compassion.  If I can tell you anything, keep your values and detach from fears.  Anyway, now I am left with today.  I have the house stress bought, the return working on helping legalize marijuana (which is ironic as I can't smoke without severe psychosis), and the disease caused by living with too much stress for too long, though it clearlt existed earlier, this is my karma for ignoring it and letting it get this bad.  Work was fine this week, working at a job designed around students is nice but the low level of stress is still too much most days.  I could do anything with my life, except I have to consider the illness in every plan.  Peace corps? better be a place with medical staff and medication access.  Full time?  how will this impact my stress level, how long will I be okay before I crash again?  Selling the house? how close will I be to civilization and my support system?  More school?  will they accommmodate me?  what if I get depressed again?  can I recover and go to school, both take time.  I can't say it will always be like this, but right now recovering and illness play a role in every direction I chose.  I have to consider life and death, I'm living based on fear again though, fear of emotional pain.  We are trained to hide this pain, so no one thinks it is real.  Yet people are suffering and dying from it.  I spent so long writing this and now all it says is how many connections I made, yet I still cannot live an ethical life.  Well I made it to and through today, that is a good start.  Have a good week! 

Current Location:
The couch of pain
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happy Saturday!  I won't worry, I'm lucky if I'm here once a week. 

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I don't have a draft ready yet, but I was thinking more about user names and how all this affects my life. Read more...Collapse )  Thank you for reading, more soon!

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My first suggestion,if you haven't thought of it already, is review.  I was only in my twenties after a 4-5 year break from college, and I forgot nearly everything.  The subjects to review depend on what your first semester of classes are, but generally speaking math and english are a good place to start. 

Secondly, I started back while still recovering from illness, no one realized how serious it was, but having an illness that responds negatively to stress combined with college and everything it entials made the whole experience into an embarassing nightmare for me.  The whole idea of going to college is to network, but being disabled limited who I networked with more so than just getting a volunteer job at a gallery (I attended art school). 

So if you review and are in good health, you are ahead of where I was when I went back.  The other thing that hurt me was being indecisive and not taking a few weeks to really pay attention to what skills I have already built in my free time.  There was this venn diagram for finding a career where your ideal major is the intersection of what you are good at, what you love and what is in demand.  I assume you already know this, but I realized this my final semester, you can take classes along the way to help you decide, but it is an expensive mistake to pick what you are not good at, don't like, and isn't in demand.  I got an art degree, because one teacher encouraged me.  And started a minor, because another teacher encouraged me.  Which is why it is good to know what you want before you fall into that trap.  Here is the logic:  Stress causes illness, illness takes time to recover from, college causes stress and uses up most of your time.  Basically, I didn't make recovery into a priority until I nearly died and I go around scaring people, who probably have bettersense than to take on college right after getting sick.  I doubt this is a problem for you and many other, but I'm mentioning it for the person who finds this post on google and needs to hear it. 

My whole college experience was filled with overcoming and tragedy.  I have an invisible disability I didn't even know I had until my second time around.  The first time was okay, my memory was great and I could pass classes without much effort.  It was almost fun, except I suffered an unusual amount of losses, rip.  I had a very difficult time coping and relating to other students.  Plus I put too much effort into a romantic relationship that was meant to be over.   I had the money and motivation for a while, then I got into food service and realized I didn't need a degree to be happy with a job. 

I dropped out, then learned why people don't just drop out to be food servers, the money is good from 16-35, but after that if you aren't the best of the best you are destined for a minimum wage job as a manager for subway.  So I went back, but my motivation was just gone, so was my memory.  I wrote about how much I dreamed to be an artist, but I didn't spend my time creating art, I spent it writing and reading.  Both perfectly great things to get degrees in, but I was stressed out, sick, and just wanted to get in and get out.  It took three times as long as I thought, I earned the disrespect of nearly every professor and peer and was flat out discouraged from pursuing a graduate degree in art.  Instead of benefittiing from the 6 year challenge of getting an art degree, I'm basically an outcast and they won't even believe I write my stupid blog.  I'm serious, this really happened.  Anyway, getting a degree was emotionally draining, embarassing, and difficult.  If I made it through without any motivation, with only occassional support, and through tragedy just about anyone can do it. 

So basically, review, find your motivation, know yourself (and advantage for most older students), make sure you are in good health and don't let my horror story scare you, because even I'm better off than I would have been without the degree.  It will be easier in some ways, such as knowing what you want, understand why to attend classes, you can manage time effectively, and being able to handle stress like an adult.  It will be harder in some ways too, your memory might be out of shape, you'll have to attend more classes to get it, and you most likely have extra responsibilities.  The fact you asked about it before just diving in tells me you are more prepared than I was.

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I don't have extensive relationship experiences, I'm the type prone to holding onto something that isn't working for far too long.  What I am working on having better mental health, including how I approach relationships.  When I'm clinging I know it isn't working, but I feel afraid or am in denial of how his feeling have changed.  It usually feels like I'm trying to impress him, rather than enjoying his company while maintaining who I am.  Listen to what your inner most self is feeling, it might be a mix of fear and love, but it all depends on if the love is stronger than the fear.  What I mean is if it is love you will overcome any fear to be with this person (fear of what your family and friend thinks, fear of being broke, or fear of being in a relationship) and if it is fear you will ignore how you really feel to avoid being alone (fear that you will be alone forever, fear of what will happen if you leave, fear of abandonment or rejection).  It is a very personal experience, use your personal strength, for me it is feeling, but maybe for you it is experiences or intuition.  My experiences with relationships are holding onto a 10 year friendship as a crutch with someone who was abusive (I might have been too, who knows), two brief dating experiences, and a passionate relationship where he wasn't interested after the first 6 months.  I don't mean to scare you, all I am saying is you just know when it is wrong as much as you know when it is right, even if you have to overcome a little fear or denial either way.    

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Why mister may not be a sociopath:
-appartently men say these things at times, after all women love bad boys. 
-the "diagnosis" was given in adolescence, which is too early.
-he never actually did anything harmful to me and helped me multiple times.  If anything I hurt him.  
-even psychologists make mistakes, so my "diagnosis" as an upset ex-girlfriend just might be wrong. 
-lastly I had no business sharing such personal things online and I regret it.  I don't really make friends easily, so I've learned one must use compassion in speaking about characters, of course there are times when people should have behaved better....it isn't the case with mister....I misunderstood or didn't consider his whole character .  All that matters is he was there and was kind to me, genuinely, that counts for something. 

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