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Note to self

I learned to live on nothing the past few years. I need to remember how to keep doing that.

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Apr. 20th, 2016

People destroy reputations. They will tell you anything to look good and make other people look bad. Get everyone to question their own friends and neighbors, divide them against each other with lies for any measly amount of power they can hope to gain. People kill people with lies before they take away their oxygen. This is why I feel misunderstood, but also don't understand people. Only weak people have to destroy other people, truly strong wise people spend their lives building people up. So it goes, there is a destructive force in humanity and a constructive nurturing force. There is a balance between the two, good and evil, right and wrong, differing values, which takes life times to master.

If it all means it is time for me to be destroyed, there is only so much I can do. From the beginning I understood this life was temporary and I've been anxious to end it more times than anyone who cares wants to or should know. I am so young, I was hoping for a longer life. That's how convincing paranoia is, I seriously think I'm in danger when no one around me sees I am in danger.

Tin foil

I put up tin foil to keep the cat from getting through a crack above the door and into an unsafe room. When someone asked about it I said, "I'm schizo, I have to do something with tin foil at least once in my life."

walls

"Thank you for your help today, you did really well." the contractor said about the walls I screwed to the wall. Well, I'm good at one thing literally and figuratively.

Bop it, spin it, give it away.

In moving things have less value, simply garbage for someone else to love more. Good bye bop it and 10 other bags of junk. May more junk soon join you.

food

I just ordered the same thing at a Chinese place as a Buddhist monk.

Edits!

I'm waiting to get my journal from the past few months and scan it for new entries. The recent fake key scare, whether it was real or completely imagined has made me increase security and copyright protection measures. The good news is the old entries are already here, so I'm editing them. I made it through 2 of them for your reading enjoyment and nostalgia of the old livejournal. I'd make it through more, but they are intense emotional entries bringing back floods of memories and emotions which is taxing. I've given up on the idea of making money from blogging. There are just so many blogs, even what must be well over 10,000 hours spent blogging isn't enough to really succeed. I should have known better than to get greedy, it has already saved my life and connected me with strangers all over the world. Once I couldn't do anything else it just seemed like maybe if I just did it right or better I could make money, but then I'd need to be famous and that sucks. It also makes me rethink the 10,000 hours of practice. You really need a solid strong foundation first, then 10,000 hours of practice or you practice bad habits which are hard to unlearn.

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okay, no internet connection and broke

Since I posted some concerning entries I am just checking in to say I'm awake, I'm alive and enthused about life. Between moving and everything else livejournal has become a low priority, but I still plan on coming back to at least edit old entries for nostalgia's sake. A family member and a few friends are also livejournal friends, so if anything does happen to me you will be able to find out. Thank you for reading!

I changed my mind

I have in fact survived whatever I thought was happening, so there may be new entries eventually. I know I said not to trust new entries for any reason, but I really just want to keep my blog going and regret saying it. I have a day off from something I've been putting off that desperately needs attention for a few weeks or even months. It seems like a good time to edit some old entries for nostalgia sake.

Poll #2040379 recent paranoia

Do you care if I write new entries here?

yes
0(0.0%)
no
0(0.0%)
no, did I miss something?
0(0.0%)
yes, you did say...
0(0.0%)

I'm fine.

I got help and met some new friends. I don't have time to write a full entry, but I know how it feels to follow a depressed person then they suddenly stop blogging. Hope everyone is okay and I can't wait to get back to blogging again when life is a little less hectic. Thank you for reading!

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